Parenting Hacks for Senior School

I was a career and college counsellor much before my kids came to senior school, so I always wondered why senior school parents were soooo stressed. I saw Moms taking leave from work, even quitting at times. Other times, I met parents who kept discussing the same issues again and again – what if we don’t get any good college in India, are there jobs in the UK, my kid doesn’t study – and we patiently gave the same answers, which were all a version of “its ok, trust the kid, be there for him or her, there are no winners or losers, many choices are great, slow and steady..”

And then my twins came into senior school. As I saw myself transform into a stressed-out mess, my appreciation and empathy for my clients exploded. Of course, this is tough. Of course, you worry. You want the best for your kid, and you are willing to do anything!

So, with all my experience of the agonies and ecstasies of parenting adolescents through their career and college journeys, here is my understanding of what a parent can really do:

Start the conversation in Grade 9

Prepare students for understanding that studies will be getting increasingly more demanding, and that college admissions requires more than school studies – it demands testprep, extra courses, internships, self-led projects, community engagement, creative expression – or at least a few of these! This demands energy and discipline and it is good to mentally prepare students for this.

Also, your Grade 9 student is probably still listening to you and treating your work like God’s, so make use of this time before they hit the inevitable “challenge-everything-parents-say” phase.

Beware of becoming transactional in your relationship

One of the biggest pitfalls of ambitious parenting that focusses on kids achieving their best, is constantly talking to them about their goals and achievements. Remember your adolescent days? Nature has equipped us all with the tools to tune out the repetitive drone of their parents trying to inspire, drive or control them. Trust me, your teenager will use these tools!

So, spend lots of time sharing fun activities with your kid – discuss movies, games, news, friends, shows, gossip, recipes – anything to build a friendly bond that transcends studies, college and career chats.

Listen More

Your listening starts with asking questions like what happened at that party? Are you still friends with…? What did you think of this film? Are you on the side of the government or the opposition? What do you think of cancel culture. And then resist sharing your own opinion or advice. As you listen and talk about things that make sense to their adolescent mind, you build trust and open a conversation where the occasional input from you makes a loooot more sense to their trusting minds.

Build success experiences – and celebrate them

Help your students choose their goals, then plan how they will get there – and achieve success. However small that goal is, build the success muscle through positive experiences, be it losing weight, making a team, making the student council, completing a fundraising event, completing an internship. Apart from building the student’s profile, this encourages the student to stretch beyond their known capacity and dream bigger dreams.  

However grown-up we think we are, we all love praise – and your adolescent is no different. So take on the role of being their cheerleader. Celebrate their hard work and achievements, even the small ones. Whether it’s a big hug, sharing their achievements on family groups, or a family dinner out, show them you’re proud of their efforts. Be careful to be genuine, though, because students can smell out insincerity in their parents and praise makes the most impact when they believe you mean it!

Help them get organised

Senior school demands a variety of different activities, at the study table, in school and outside. Many of these activities have flexible start and end dates – for instance, when do I want to the SAT? How about the IELTS? Do I want to take on the research paper I hope to do this summer, next summer or during the school term? How about that online course? And what books in my subject area do I want to read? Should I finish one art piece this month and then pick up that baton after the mid-term exams? Internship this year or the next? Which summer should I travel abroad for a summer program – can we combine this with a family holiday?

With so many moving parts, students find comfort in knowing that their parents are on top of things. They may say they can “handle everything” but they may find themselves feeling overwhelmed and either descend into panic – or use the “ostrich” strategy to just ignore some icky things.

So make lists, timelines, schedules, discuss these regularly, be flexible and empower the student to shift thigns around to make them work for him or her – setting them up for future success!

Reach out for information, support and help

You are not alone in this journey – and neither is your kid. Other students and parents navigating the journey with you and those ahead offer a wealth of ideas and information, be it about summer programs, courses, schedules, tests, colleges, courses or supporting resources. As a parent, collecting this information is very useful for the student and student often appreciate the proactiveness of their parents in generating (not pushing) options for them. So, do reach out to friends, other parents, career counsellors in school and outside to get ideas and options.

Additionally, reach out for help in managing emotions and onself too – therapists, teachers or anyone who has experience of working with teenagers and can help you and your kid bring things into perspective. Teach them that reaching out for help is useful – and not a sign of weakness so that they can do the same when you are not around for them in college and beyond.

Encourage Self-Care and Balance

College applications can be overwhelming, so teach your teen some stress-busting techniques. Whether it’s yoga, meditation, or just a walk in the park, encourage them to take breaks and relax. Set examples yourself, do it together with them!

Most importantly, remind your teen to take care of themselves. Encourage (remember, just encourage!) regular meals, a good night’s sleep, and some downtime. Balance is key to keeping them sane during this hectic period.

Prepare your teen for life, not for Ivy Leagues

This is not to say that top global colleges are not a great goal to strive for, but they are not the definition of success any more than working at Google is a definition of success. A quick look at India’s 40 under 40 will show students from a range of colleges across the world, many not in the top colleges lists in the country or the world.

So, I have learnt that it is great to be ambitious for your child, but the critical focus needs to be on the longer term. And I learnt that the advice I gave parents, “its ok, trust the kid, be there for him or her, there are no winners or losers, many choices are great, slow and steady..” is all wonderful, but living it is a everyday journey, and we parents are all together in it.

The writer is Founder and CEO, Inomi Learning, a Gurugram-based career and college guidance firm. info@inomi.in

The original article was first published in ‘The Hindu’ on August 17th, 2024.

With inputs from Anjana Anand, Principal Counsellor at Inomi Learning.